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Rules
of Fair Fighting
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No
violence or threats of violence to persons or
property. This must be made explicit at the
onset of the conflict or argument by a
statement. "Under no circumstances will I
be physically violent toward you." If one
or both persons have any history of violence or
threats of violence (even one time) this
statement may have to be made each time there is
conflict. Violence or threats of violence can
still show in a person's eyes, body posture and
gestures even though the verbal commitment has
been made honestly and sincerely. If at any time
anyone becomes fearful of violence the argument
must stop immediately. It is impossible to have
a relationship in which both persons are honest
if one of the persons is afraid that the other
will be physically violent toward them.
Be concerned for innocent bystanders.
Children who witness physical violence between
adults grow up with numerous social and
emotional problems. If children are aware that
physical violence has occurred in the past do
not argue in front of them until you have
mastered the skills of fair fighting. When
fighting fair it is all right to argue in front
of your children. This is how they learn that
conflict is a part of life and can be resolved
in a positive way.
Do not scream or yell. Screaming and
yelling is often seen as a threat of violence.
Respect each other's personal space. No
physical touching, including caressing, during
the period in which you are actively involved in
conflict resolution. This can be threatening,
diverting and in some cases demeaning to the
person being touched.
Use statements that begin with "I",
not statements that begin with "YOU".
"I was angry when you put me down in front
of our friends." Or "I was hurt when
you rejected me in bed last night." (rather
than) "You hurt me when you rejected me in
bed last night." Take primary
responsibility for your own feelings rather than
making someone else responsible for them. This
has the effect of keeping the other person from
immediately going on the defensive and opens the
way for a positive discussion.
Stay in the present. Only talk about the
here and now not what happened in the past or
what might happen in the future.
Let the other person know what you are
feeling. "I feel good when you
compliment the way I look." "I am hurt
when you say negative things about my
parents." "I feel better now that we
have talked about it."
Let the other person have his/her own
feelings and opinions. Accept that the other
person may see or feel differently than you do
about a situation. Criticizing a person for
having wrong or inappropriate feelings or ideas
because they are not the same as your feelings
or ideas is a form of abuse.
Do not tell the other person what s/he is
thinking. "I know that you don't
respect me." "You are thinking that I
don't care."
Do not tease or insult the other person.
Do not put him/her down especially during an
argument. Men often learn to show affection by
teasing or insulting each other. Women tend to
learn more gentle ways of showing affection and
often do not understand put downs as a term of
endearment. Teasing or insulting hurts whether
it is done in fun or not.
No name calling. This includes swear
words and insults as well as pet names. Always
use the person's first name (Mary, Sue, Joe,
Steve) and not a pet name (Honey, Dear, Woman,
Bitch) during an argument. Using the person's
name affirms that s/he is a unique individual
and helps keep the person from feeling
stereotyped or insulted.
Let the other person have a chance to speak.
No cutting off or interrupting. When people
sense they are being interrupted they tend to
talk louder to be heard, even to the point of
yelling and screaming at each other. When this
happens the adrenaline kicks in and it is easy
to get caught up in the frustration of trying to
be heard and become violent. To avoid this trap,
set up a system where each of you gets 5 minutes
to say whatever is on your mind without the
other person making any verbal or nonverbal
response. Once each of you has had your say,
then, in 5 minute intervals, begin to discuss
your reactions to what was said without
interrupting each other. You might want to buy a
cheap timer to keep yourselves from talking too
long. If a person still has more to say after
the 5 minutes are up s/he must wait until the
other person has had his/her chance to speak.
Listen to the other person actively. Face
the person and keep eye contact, do not do
anything else (watch TV, read the paper) while
s/he is speaking, nod your head occasionally to
indicate you hear what the other person is
saying (this does not indicate agreement) and
give a grunt or an "Umm hmmm" at
appropriate times.
Commit yourself to stay and finish the
argument. This can be changed if both
parties agree to postpone or the argument begins
to escalate and you are afraid violence will
occur. If there is a postponement both parties
must agree to a time when the argument is to be
resumed. "Later" is not good enough.
Be specific as to a mutually convenient day and
time. If there is fear of violence call a
Time-Out.
Schedule regular times for communication.
This time is strictly used for sharing thoughts,
feelings, concerns on important issues for each
of you without distractions.
Do not argue when one or both persons are
under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If
a person is taking a mood altering drug for
medical reasons be aware of the effect of the
drugs and be prepared to deal with the conflict
in a series of shorter than normal encounters.
Any subject is open for discussion.
"I think that you are sleeping with another
man/woman." "I think that you are
drinking too much." "I do not feel
that we are spending enough time
together.." "I am not being satisfied
when we are sexually intimate."
Summarize any agreement or understanding
which were reached. This allows you to be
sure you both have the same interpretation of
what was said.
End on a positive note. Exchanging
positive comments (compliments) is a good way to
end periods of conflict even if the conflict has
not been fully resolved. This can be difficult,
especially when the conflict is a painful one,
but the rewards (affirmation of caring, a desire
to get along and to continue the relationship
even in the conflict) are well worth the effort. |
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