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Listen
empathetically with active listening skills.
Speak to reflect back to her the information
which she has given you. Your primary role is to
be her confessor; therefore, listen. Silently
pray that God's grace is present as the healing
process toward wholeness begins.
Affirm her courageous act, that of coming to
you. You may in fact be the first person
whom she has approached. Healing begins when the
victim speaks of the violence and names it as
such.
Counsel the battered woman without physically
touching her. Give comfort without putting
your arm around her shoulder or holding her
hand. If she has been sexually or physically
abused, any touch may recall painful memories.
Acknowledge your limits. It is wise to
know how well you are prepared to deal with
domestic violence. Unless you are clinically
trained on the issues of domestic violence,
refer her to someone who can be a healing
resource leading her toward recovery.
Be aware of your own emotional shields of
protection. As you hear her painful story,
your feelings and emotions will come to the
surface. Therefore, try not to block the
reception of her story in an attempt to protect
your own feelings and to prevent your emotions
from surfacing.
Believe everything she says; do not doubt
her; and do not question her accuracy. She
needs a trusting pastor and a compassionate
friend. Remember that she is probably minimizing
the violence. What you hear may only be the tip
of the iceberg. In time she may share more with
you.
Tell her that she is not alone. No one
deserves to be abused. It is not God's intention
that she should suffer and be violated. All
blame rests with the abuser. She did not in any
way cause this abuse.
Affirm her faith no matter where she stands
theologically. At this time of crisis her
present faith stance may be the ONLY thing she
has to hold on to. It may not be
"theologically correct" in your mind,
but at the moment of crisis, this is all she
has. Respond with positive statements about God
("God loves you and is with you in your
suffering"). Respond with "I"
statements ("I believe, however, that God
does not want you to suffer or to be a victim of
violence").
Offer her options in her search for
wholeness. Give her choices within her faith
stance as she searches for a faithful
understanding of what is happening to her. Also,
remember that there is no right way and,
concerning one's theological stance, no one
person has all the right answers.
Quote Scripture passages which are liberating
and which offer hope in times of suffering.
Quoting Scripture which is oppressive and which
calls her to be submissive only encourages her
to endure violence at home.
Encourage her to contact the domestic
violence program in your area. There she
will connect with counselors and support groups,
receive legal advice and begin to bond with
other victims and other women offering support
and nurturance.
Encourage her to find a safe place.
Separation from the abuser prevents further
violence. The church historically has offered
sanctuary. Today the church can offer a safe
home or a referral to a shelter for the victims
of domestic violence.
Help her find economic assistance.
Because of the economic instability of society,
it is difficult for a woman in crisis to find
sufficient income to meet the needs of herself
and her children. This is one of the reasons a
woman may choose to stay in the violent home.
Try to find a victim advocate in the parish who
can help her secure public aid and/or other
forms of economic assistance, if she is not in
contact with a domestic violence program.
Be with her in her suffering and in her
healing. Do not stand withdrawn from her.
Acknowledge your fears and pain as you hear her
stories. But also praise her as she moves toward
wholeness.
Confidentiality is of utmost importance.
She has come to you because she needs your help
and trusts that you will be willing to help.
That which she shares with you must be kept
confidential. Unless you have her specific
consent, you are ethically bound to tell no one.
The decision to pursue therapy is hers to
make. Not all battered women will wish to or
need to seek therapy. Remember that it is your
role to empower her, not to control her choices.
Assure her that all her statements to you are
strictly confidential, and that you will not
speak to anyone else about her situation except
to a helping agency when she has given you
express permission to do so.
Reprinted
with the permission of the Illinois Conference
of Churches, Ministry on Church Response to
Family Violence, 615 South Fifth Street,
Springfield, IL., 62703
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