| Pam
Palmer doesn’t spend much time telling war stories about
her horrific past. She’s too busy living in the present --
working in a recovery program for substance abusers, taking
care of her 14-year-old son and studying to get her GED
diploma.
Palmer, 33, has been with the
Franciscan Peacemakers program for two years -- the longest
of any woman now there. The street ministry for the poorest
of the poor helped save Palmer from a life of drugs and
homelessness.
Her former life of pain and
shame is part of what keeps her clean and sober. But it was
her last day living in the streets that jarred her toward
the straight life. Palmer was living with a recovering
addict who trusted her to cash his paycheck. She did, but
she used the money to buy drugs. The consequences were dire.
"I found myself broke
and homeless, sleeping on the floor of a girlfriend’s
place. A big old rat ran over me. I’m not talking about a
(mouse) -- a rat. But I wanted some more (drugs)."
So she walked along N. 27th
and Wells in the pre—dawn hours that morning. ‘Nobody
was outside, and I didn’t have a dime in my pocket. I fell
straight on my knees. I said ‘God, help me.
After dialing 911, she wound
up in a detox program, and Father Bob Wheelock, a Capuchin
priest with the Franciscan Peacemakers, later pulled her
out. She spent six months in outpatient treatment. Today,
she’s two years into recovery. |
|
Palmer,
who’s in YWCA Transitional Living, still marvels over the
simple but difficult steps she took toward recovery.
"All I had to do was stop using."
But the task is not that
successful for others. Thousands have tried but failed again
and again.
Palmer credits a higher
power, though she’s having difficulty with working the
third step. "I’m working on ‘turning my life over
to the care of God as we understood him.’ I’m not there
yet."
She sat calmly in the conference
room of Franciscan Peacemakers on W. Locust and N. 24th
streets. This is where the women’s support group meets
every Saturday. Beautiful and self-empowering artwork of
African-American women adorns the walls.
Palmer is a small-built,
soft-spoken and calm-speaking woman whose emotional level
rises as she talks about her new life.
She looks healthy. "I
feel healthy," she said, breaking into a smile.
But she admits there are
still demons to battle. "It’s not easy. Sometimes my
attitude and behavior get in the way. Sometimes I think of
going back. I’d been using since age 13, but remembering
the pain keeps me moving forward.
"Sometimes I miss the
drama (of getting high), but then I (think), ‘Is it worth
it?’ That’s why I continue to go to meetings and do
service work. I’m a chairperson for one of my
groups." |
|
Palmer
stops talking and thinks for a minute. "Whoa, the
journey I’m on now, is this real? I’m happy. All I had
to do was stop using," she said.
"These last two years
have been like being born again. I got my son back from
foster care. He’s been back a year. We had to get to know
each other. Not knowing him for 12 years of his life was
tough."
She missed so much of his
life because of drinking and using drugs, she said.
"It’s hard for me to realize that I have a
14-year-old son, but we’re getting along. I have shame for
what I did to him."
Sometimes, Palmer says,
he’s like her little brother, because he clings to her and
wants to be pampered. Sometimes he’s like her teenage son.
"I had to regain his
trust. I understand that. I still struggle with my
mother’s drinking, but she never tried to stop."
Palmer, the youngest of six
children, says she’s coming out of the dark, facing the
fear of her childhood memories. "I’m living life on
life’s terms. I have to stay strong and focused."
© 1998, The Milwaukee
Journal Sentinel
Reproduced with permission |
